Sunday, December 25

Hum Buggery

I trust no one will read this today, so my little bitter thoughts won't disturb your Christmas day.

I don't know why I am so very jaded this particular Christmas. I have experienced damn near 40 of them, so why this particular year has gotten under my skin is a mystery. The thing that is (hum) bugging me so much is the sheer surprise factor of the season. Morning news segments about forgetting to by that certain someone a gift and hitting the malls yesterday gall me. Stories about standing in line to mail last minute gifts dumbfound me. Christmas happens EVERY YEAR, people.

I work in a financial institution dealing with folks and their loans. Every December, the calls start coming in from people who want to "defer" the December payment. (Many of them even call it the "Christmas payment.") If ever I decide to quit my job, this is how those particular calls will go:

Caller: "Hi. I was wondering if you guys defer Christmas payments."
Me: "No, sir, we don't do that."
Caller: "But why not? I need a little extra cash this time of year."
Me: "Were you not aware that Christmas was coming this year, sir?"
Caller: "Of course I was, but my car loan folks sent me a letter stating that they were doing it. You people are not being helpful."
Me: "Sir, let's think about this, 'kay? Christmas is an annual event, is it not? And you have a 30- year loan, do you not, sir? That would be 30 years of once-a-year deferrals. That would mean that at the end of your loan, you would still owe 30 months of payments. That is 2 and a half years of payments, isn't it, sir? And Sir, I hate to tell you this, but your car loan people are not being 'helpful' to you. They are not waiving interest this month. Deferring your payment works for them, not for you. They are going to get theirs, sir, never fear."
Caller: "Huh. I hadn't thought about it that way."
Me: "I suggest that you take a hint 'long about Halloween when the stores start putting up Santas right alongside the Dracula costumes. They ain't kidding--Christmas is going to happen again, I guarantee you. It will happen this year, next year, and all they years of your life. It will still be happening when the last man on earth is putting up his Christmas stick with the help of his mutated dog. Why are you fucking surprised this year?"

Well, I hope that you have a merry and fiscally solvent Christmas and a Happy New Year. I need some egg nog.

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